Scare Tactics

This past week my husband and I were face to face with a defining choice.  We were being confronted with scary information meant to sway our choice heavily in one direction.  As silly as it sounds, God showed me His will for our choosing.

After feelings of discomfort, I went to an unbiased source for a little research on the matter at hand.  I noticed that what was originally being presented to us as fact is really only a hypothesis with very little scientific backing proving its claims.  Then I heard His sweet voice remind me of Isaiah 8:11-14, "The Lord spoke to me with his strong hand upon me, warning me not to follow the way of this people.  He said: 'Do not call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it.  The Lord Almighty is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, and he will be a sanctuary;..."

As if this were not enough confirmation, He continued to speak this same truth in my current walk through Colossians.  "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ... Do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day.  These are a shadow of the things that were to come, the reality, however, is found in Christ... Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 'Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!'?  These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings.  Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." (2:8, 16-17, 20-23)

In today's world, scary sells.  Bad grabs our attention.  Do not take things as truth just because they seem to make sense with mere human wisdom.  Seek God's will and ask Him to show you what to believe.  Do not live this day in fear!  Fear only God, and He will be your sanctuary.

Calgon Take Me Away

Recently I have felt the need for rejuvenation and renewal more frequently than normal.  Yes, I've taken on homeschooling our kindergartener, but I've also been stricken with an overwhelming sense of compassion for the poor, elderly and indigent in the town where I currently reside.  This new sense of responsibility has translated into poorly marking my boundaries out of a sense of guilt or obligation.  A five year-old demanding my undivided attention up until his eyes close for the night and two elderly women wanting friendship, needing medication to be picked up, and requiring groceries have depleted my spirit of its vigor.

So today I sit delving into the Word at Panera Bread with a Starbucks decaf White Chocolate Mocha in hand, no five year-old and no needy elderly women pulling at my heartstrings. I am able to hear my Jesus ask me, "What do you want me to do for you?" (Matthew 20:32) I reply just as the blind men saying, "Lord... [I] want [my] sight." (Matthew 20:33) I want to see my Jesus today.

And, as if I expected Him not to respond, I continue in Colossians where I last left off reading, "... you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." (3:9-10)  I hear His sweet, gentle voice saying, "You have chosen to come to Me for renewal today.  True, deep, soul healing renewal comes as you spend time getting to know Me." 

"My dear, I have given you a new self... 'you have taken off your old self... and put on the new self'... 'cloth[ing] yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.' (3:9-10, 12)  You have allowed me to tailor these new garments for you, but don't lose sight of ALL that I've called you to.  'See to it that you complete the work you have received in the Lord.' (4:17)  Don't forget about the things I called you to first: to write and speak.  Yes, compassion, humility, kindness, etc. are your new clothes, but they are nothing if you are constantly standing at the mirror admiring them.  I want you to share the gift of this wardrobe with others through writing and speaking so that they may be spurred on to good works in My Name.  Staying focused on writing and sharing will also give you time to be renewed as you spend time with Me getting to know my heart better and better.

"This is not a selfish focus.  'The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want.  But you will not always have me.' (Mark 14:7)  You will be of no service to these "poor" if you continue running on fumes.  Remember, '...proclaim [Me], admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that you may present everyone perfect in Christ.  To this end [you] labor, struggling with all [My] energy, which so powerfully works in [you].' (Colossians 1:28-29)"

Are you too in need of a way to temporarily escape all that pulls at you in order to be renewed and rejuvenated?  You may find Calgon's bubbles, Panera's broccolli cheddar soup, Starbucks' mocha, or something totally different your little sliver of God's glory this side of eternity.  Share it with Him desiring to see Him revealed in the intimate details of your personal circumstances getting to know His heart better and better.  He desires to be known by you.

A Love Story

"But 'God made them male and female' from the beginning of creation.  'This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.'  Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together."  (Mark 10:6-9)

I recently watched the movie Seven Pounds which really got me thinking deeply.  God used that deep place of introspection coincidentally with the thoughts from my last discussion with our home group on the Rich Young Ruler.  After contemplating the question, "What keeps ME from following Jesus?", I realized an embedded fear of pain. 

Just like the rich, young ruler who felt it painful to give up all his wealth and possessions to follow Jesus, I find it painful to give all of myself in wreckless abandonment to those I love most, especially my husband.  I can let him watch the intimate details of my life unfold, but to be immersed in life with him, allowing comfort and love to be exchanged means pain in the end.  For to love someone deeply, without regard for any pain that may have to be endured, because you have given all of yourself is kamakazi-like.

This fear of pain keeps my man at arms length, a mere spectator.  The what-ifs swirl through my mind encouraging me to take some control.  Pain from rejection; pain from loss; pain from an overwhelming sense of compassion; pain from a broken heart.  This is where it is difficult for me to follow Jesus: Giving all of me to loving my man without regard for any pain that will be endured, and allowing myself to be loved deeply by him.  But I am reminded in 2 Timothy, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline." (1:7)

Trusting God to be sufficient in any pain and not my own relational walls to avoid the pain is the stuff of faith.  "Abraham believed God and God counted him as righteous because of his faith... It is through faith that a righteous person has life." (Galatians 3:6, 11)  I want to experience this life!

The Realization of Rescue

A deep since of compassion is a fresh wound aching in my soul.  Longing to put this pain to use for God's Kingdom, I type here organizing my thoughts to be prepared to share when given an open door.

Realizing God's rescue from the dark pit of despair that engulfed me this summer, my heart breaks when dear friends are almost swallowed up by the same enemy.  I know intimately the reality of demons seeking to strangle the literal life out of someone.  In the face of such horror observed in others, I am utterly humbled into a crying heap on the floor at the realization of God's blessing of rescue.  In the midst, I wanted never to return to such a dark place.  But, experiencing the reality of my own liberation causes me in desparation to long for others' salvation so much that I would take on their despair because I know now that I can make it through because I have God. 

For His precious words to me from Isaiah were the hope that I clung to believing His promise for fulfillment.  "'You have been chosen to know me, believe in me, and understand that I alone am God.  There is no other God - there never has been, and there never will be.  I, yes I, am the Lord, and there is no other Savior.  First, I predicted your rescue, then I saved you... You are witnesses that I am the only God,' says the Lord." (43:10-12)

And now with His gift of compassion "I feel as if I'm going through labor pains for [the hurting and lost], and they will continue until Christ is fully developed in [their] lives." (Galatians 4:19)  May this gift be for nothing.  Hear my cries, Lord!

Sweet Mercy

These thoughts are a compilation of several journal entries. They were resurrected in me by a couple of songs from church. The first song had the line, "... lay it at your feet..." Then and there You told me to lay not just my wants and desires, my hopes and dreams, but also my burdens at Your feet. Right then I envisioned laying a huge personal burden that had been acquired through my own bad choices at your feet.

You spoke tenderly to my heart at that moment and told me You would take it away. I was overcome by Your goodness to me later that night as we sang "Sweet Mercies." Tears poured forth and I could not sing for feelings of humility. Who am I to ask the God of everything to pour out His mercy on me? What have I done to deserve even such a position to approach Him and ask? I am but a wretched sinner, yet He calls to my soul drawing me unto Him into relationship.

Even in my pure humbleness, you still poured forth Your goodness and mercy while my husband and I prayed about this heaviness we've been hauling around. You called to my remembrance the following Scriptures and wrapped Your loving arms around me with their very words. "My child, I want to continue to pour out my rich blessings on you. You haven't seen anything yet! 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.' (1 Corinthians 2:9)... 'How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection blessing them before the watching world.' (Psalm 31:19) So, my dear, 'Give your burdens to the Lord and He will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.' (Psalm 55:22)

Foolishness

I'm finding that following Christ isn't what I thought it to be. Many times in recent days my choices have come under scrutiny by others. We've all been there. Remember those teenage years... Will Smith sang it best, "Parents just don't understand." But, I find it a little more difficult to live in decisions when face to face with others, not just parents, who "just don't understand."

If only my attitude might begin to look more like Paul's. "As for me, it matters very little how I might be evaluated by you or by any human authority. I don't even trust my own judgement at this point. My conscience is clear, but that doesn't prove I'm right. It is the Lord himself who will examine me and decide. So don't make judgements about anyone ahead of time..." (1 Corinthians 4:3-5) Sometimes God's call on our little lives is going to look strange to everyone. It should! After all God is not bound by this world. If he calls us to stand up and out, will we?

As I see this play out in my life, God is teaching me about my tendency to judge others and their choices. Paul continues in 1 Corinthians 4 with words that pierce my own pride, "For what gives you the right to make such a judgement?" (v. 7) Everyone has their own Spiritual relationship. Their choices are between them and God. Silly or normal I must not judge someone based on the choices they make.

Paul reminds me, through his example, that to follow Christ will most often be the opposite of how the world is telling us to live. "We have become a spectacle to the entire world... Our dedication to Christ makes us look like fools, but you claim to be so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are so powerful! You are honored, but we are ridiculed." He continues, "For the kingdom of God is not just a lot of talk; it is living by God's power. Which do you choose?" (1 Corinthians 4:9-10, 20-21)

How big is God?

"Remember... that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you... As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." (1 Corinthians 1:26, 29)

A thought to ponder... The weaker I am perceived to be, the more of Christ's power I depend on and the more glory of God to be revealed. God wouldn't look very big if I looked to the world like I could handle all I am willing to take on.

Comfortable?

It's been a while... but with a schedule and some routine, I jump back in the saddle.

I wish I hadn't been gone for so long because this post may seem somewhat random. However, life goes on and, if we allow Him, God continues to transform us. I feel different than the Cara from my last few posts. Good different. But, it feels as though you may not recognize me. Take notice of His work, not me.

I've been traveling through Jeremiah recently. Towards the end of the book, after many, many messages from the LORD through Jeremiah, I was struck by the Israelites' desire for comfort... the good life. "We will not listen to your [crazy] messages from the LORD! We will do whatever we want... For in those days we had plenty to eat, and we were well off and had no troubles!" (44:16-17) Their words reminded me of our contemporary American culture. God's way often seems contrary to the comfortable, maybe even extreme at times, yet we are drawn to the tangible things of this earth that give temporary comfort at best.

We trust and want only that which we know and have judged as good. What we know and identify with is life as orphans. Glory and the Kingdom of Heaven are unknowns... things we fear. We crave the tangible, the experienced, the explainable. Our fears keep us craving life as orphans even though we're children of the Living God. The known is our comfort, albeit, false comfort, a lie of the Deceiver. "Because you have trusted your wealth and skill, you will be taken captive." (48:7) We are prisoners of the Liar held there by our own fears of the unknown.

The best example of this concept is described by Russel Moore in his book Adopted for Life. He describes the reaction of his two sons, whom he adopted from Russia, as they were leaving the orphanage. "The trauma of leaving the orphanage was unexpected to me because I knew how much better these boys' life would soon be. I thought they knew too. But they had no idea. They couldn't conceive of anything other than the status quo. My whispering to my boys, ' You won't miss that orphanage' is only a shadow of something I should have known already. Our Father tells us that we too are unable to grasp what's waiting for us - and how glorious it really is. It's hard for us to long for an inheritance to come, a harmonious Christ-ruled universe, when we've never seen anything like it...

"We must learn to be children, not orphans. When my sons arrived in the family, their legal status was not ambiguous at all. They were our kids. But their wants and affections were still atrophied by a year in the orphanage. They didn't know that flies on their faces were bad. They didn't know that a strange man feeding them their first scary gulps of solid food wasn't a torturer. Life in the cribs alone must have seemed to them like freedom. That's what I was missing about the biblical doctrine of adoption. Sure, it's glorious in the long run. But it sure seems like hell in the short run.

"My whispering to my boys, 'You won't miss that orphanage' is only a shadow of something I should have known. God pronounces Israel his 'son,' brings the Israelites through the baptismal waters of judgment, and promises to give them an inheritance, and they long for the fleshpots of Egypt (Exodus 16:1-3). They'd rather be slaves than sons, because at least they could trust the slave driver to give them what they needed.

"The pull toward slave nostalgia is a real danger for all of us. Satan once held all of us in 'lifelong slavery' through our 'fear of death' (Hebrews 2:15). The temptation for all of us is to shrink back to the petty protectors we once hid behind, to be slaves again to placate the Grim Reaper. That's why Paul could thunder to the Galatians, 'Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. but now that you have come to know God, or rather be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?' (Galatians 4:8-9). Perhaps the most striking aspect of this rebuke is the apostle's insistence that the believers want to be slaves again. Why? They're afraid."

True comfort is given to us in the Holy Spirit, the Comforter. We have been deceived into believing the things of this world (i.e. money, homes, friends, jobs, food, family, etc.) are comforting. The things do not bring real comfort; they only give us what we know and have judged as good.

Following God's ways can look weird and crazy at times. But that is why He left us the Holy Spirit. So that in the physical discomfort (by the world's standards), we could be filled with comfort through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, the Great Comforter. "And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him; but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you; and shall be in you." (John 14:16-17 KJV)

Despite our circumstances and tangible evidence, He promises, "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you." (John 14:18 KJV) We are comforted by the residence of the Holy Spirit within us not by a physical resemblance of what the world has judged as comfortable. The NLT puts it this way, "No, I will not abandon you as orphans - I will come to You." (John 14:18)

Remember it is fear of losing tangible comforts that keeps us from knowing the True Comforter. We are orphans without the Holy Spirit, longing for the days in the orphanage because that's all we know. But Paul reminds us in Romans, "For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." (8:15 KJV) This "Spirit of adoption" is described in the Greek as "the nature and condition of the true disciples in Christ, who by receiving the Spirit of God into their souls become sons of God."

But, our earthly realm doesn't match. We suffer death, lose, heartache, hardship and so we cry with arms out stretched like a toddler, "Abba, Father!" because our souls desire "the blessed state looked for in the future life after the return of Christ from heaven."

Where is our comfort found? Is it in the ease of life's daily grind succumbing to the bondage of fear to avoid pain, unpleasantness or embarrassment? Or, are we living so full of the Spirit that we are comforted regardless of exterior circumstances because "the Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are [no longer orphans bound by fear, but instead] children of God." ? (Romans 8:16 KJV)

This is the message we have to share that is different than anything the world can offer, "God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NLT)

Truth vs. Lies

Our minds fill with thoughts constantly. These thoughts indicate what we believe. By allowing untruths to inhabit our minds, we believe lies. To practice the verb of believing God’s Truth, we must “fix our thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Philippians 4:8)

My thought life is where I often accept defeat. He reminds me of this when He says, “You make alliances not directed by my Spirit…” (Isaiah 30:1) My thoughts are in agreement with the enemy’s words to me not God’s Holy Spirit, thus bringing about my downfall. “I cry out to God; yes I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help.” (Psalm 77:1-3)

But, God doesn’t want this for me. He wants victorious living. “For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:9-10) It is the belief in the lie, the alliance not directed by His Spirit, that has gotten me to this place. So, I must instead decide to believe Him and not the lie if there is any hope of rescue. I must decide to participate in His miracle for me by changing the way I think through agreement in my mind with His Spirit.

“But then I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works. O God, your ways are holy. Is there any god as mighty as you? You are the God of great wonders! You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations. By your strong arm, you redeemed your people…” (Psalm 77:11-15) He adds, “Instead of dwelling in thought patterns contrary to who you know Me to be, ‘remember the things I have done in the past. For I alone am God! I am God, and there is none like me.’” (Isaiah 46:9)

God has done and continues to do a mighty work in my life for His glory. My thoughts must reflect who I know Him to be. “My dear, combat the enemy’s lies with the Truth of who ‘I AM.’” (Exodus 3:14) Changing any behavior requires a conscious effort. It must be the same for my thought life as well.

Recent Relevance

My most recent days spent in God’s Word have been a salve to my deeply wounded soul. I have opened His precious Word to find strength, comfort, encouragement, ammunition, safety, and rest. The shelter of His Word has been my refuge. “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.” (Psalm 91:1-2)

Struggling to fight the mental assault, I realize the importance of “[letting] God transform [me] into a new person by changing the way [I] think.” (Romans 12:2) I recognize the need to “let the Spirit renew [my] thoughts and attitudes.” (Ephesians 4:23) Yet, in my desperation, the same old lies engulf my belief. I cried to Him the other night screaming, “I have head knowledge of the Truth in these verses, but I have no new thoughts. Give me new thoughts. Help me fight!” Then, as I talked with my mother the next day, explaining those moments from the night before with her, I remembered what I had read just that morning. He had answered my desperate plea with these words: “Now I will tell you new things, secrets you have not yet heard. They are brand new, not things from the past… Yes, I will tell you of things that are entirely new, things you never heard of before.” (Isaiah 48:6,7,8) I paused to soak in the very real answer He provided and then read of His promise for rescue. “I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering. I will rescue you for my sake – yes, for my own sake! I will not let my reputation be tarnished…” (Isaiah 8:10-11)

My depression is a matter of belief. Who do I believe? Despite my feelings of the moment, do I believe God? Do I believe His voice to me over the lies that seem to reflect my current state? There is a war going on in my mind. God has asked me to believe Him. I have lived my entire life believing I am who my enemy says I am. God wants to give me new thoughts to replace the belief in this lie, this voice of defeat.

He continues, “‘I have equipped you for battle.’ (Isaiah 45:5) You are not defeated. Fight the enemy’s voice with My Truth. ‘Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you… For the Lord has called you back from your grief… In that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the Lord; their vindication will come from me. I, the Lord, have spoken!” (Isaiah 54:4,6,17)

Although I have yet to experience the total healing He promises me, I must proclaim, “How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world. You hide them in the shelter of your presence, safe from those who conspire against them. You shelter them in your presence, far from accusing tongues.” (Psalm 31:19-20) For, “morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me, and I have listened… Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame. He who gives me justice is near.” (Isaiah 50:4,5,7,8)

There is more, so much more. I want so desperately to share all that He has provided and promised me lately, but that is my story. That is His relevance to my very individual and specific needs at this time. What He draws me to share with you is the testimony of my experience with Him, and that He so longs to have that same personal relationship with you as well.

God wants to do for you just what He has done for me in the past few days. He wants to surprise you by the significance of the Truth in His Word to your current situation so that you too are drawn to Him for refreshment. “Search the book of the Lord, and see what he will do.” (Isaiah 34:16)

The Great God Cycle

I just finished my "God Time" and was listening to my ipod as I began the endless laundry task. How Great Is Our God was playing. A line in that song reminded me of what I had just read in Isaiah. "Sing with me how great is our God, and all will see how great is our God." I had just read, "And why have I called you for this work? Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? It is for the sake of Jacob my servant, Israel my chosen one." (Isaiah 45:4) It occurs to me in this moment that's the point. He's calling us to a life lived for, by and through Him so that others He has chosen may see His greatness in us and proclaim the same through their lives as well.

Marsh Grass

I have had a wild ride through Isaiah these past few days. God has been pouring out His glorious goodness upon the parched ground of my desperate soul. "Then the Lord will bless you with rain... So it will be when the Lord begins to heal his people and cure the wounds he gave them." (Isaiah 30:23,26)

In Isaiah 35, I read again of the mighty rescue God has planned for me. "There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God. With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees. Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong and do not fear, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you." (vv. 2-4) For in this place, this new town, this new home, this new church, this place of seemingly endless sadness dragging me down inside, "there the Lord will display his glory... [my] God is coming to save me" and seeks to encourage me by His Word.

As I kept reading, I knew He very well meant "this" place because I read, "Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish where desert jackals once lived... Lions will not lurk along its course." (v. 7, 9) My life's journey has taken me in and out of my own wilderness desert. Jackals have hunted, attacked and feasted on my life. I have lived in fear of the great lion, the devil (1 Peter 5:8), who has literally lurked around every corner waiting to devour me in my depression. But, God promises a different life to me in these verses, a life that flourishes, a life that no longer fears these predators. In this place He has brought our family, we literally cannot turn to the right or to the left without seeing marsh grass, reeds and rushes. I know full well He means for each sight of this beautiful grassy wetland to be a reminder of this incredible promise He has for me.

Then He caps off my moments in this chapter with verse 10. "Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness." Then comes His tender, sweet voice, "Your depression will disappear and you will be filled with joy and gladness. The marsh grass around you is a reminder of my promises to you. I love you, my dear! Believe My promises!"

Some May Call Me Crazy

I've been venturing through Isaiah lately. My journey through this book has been highly personal and has kept me from wanting to share in this place. Yet, I remember His voice to me only a few weeks ago in Psalm 107:1-2, "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever. Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies." So, here I am...

The depth of this pilgrimage began in chapter 30. God personalized a few of these verses so that they hit home. "You make plans that are contrary to mine. You make alliances not directed by my Spirit, [believing Satan's lies and not My Truth], thus piling up your sins. For without consulting me you have [sought help, strength, and solace in believing who others think you are]. You have put your trust in [wanting to be this person they think you to be]." Because I have believed the enemy's destructive voice always reminding me I am not good enough, I have put my hope and trust in the front I put forward that gives others the impression I am "normal." The impression that I don't live in fear of what others think of me. The impression that because God and I are tight I have it all together. The impression that my daily time in His Word hearing His voice makes my life something to be envied.


The truth is actually quite different. If others really knew what went on inside my head, then they might consider "God's voice" to be just another voice I hear in my head. That if others really, and I mean really knew me, they might really think me CRAZY and not all Christian. And if others thought this way, then God's purposes for me are void.


It was in this thought process and my struggle with depression where God began to speak to me and seek further transformation. He sought for me to want to be who He was calling me to be more than wanting to be who others thought me to be. I know many that I am close to think of me as "good." Because I have believed for so long that I am not good enough, I found comfort in others believing me to be good enough. But, I had to hide who I really was from them because if they truly understood me deeply, then I would no longer be held in such high esteem. At this realization, He said, "In returning and rest shall ye be saved..." (KJV 30:15) A closer look at the Hebrew speaks volumes. Returning means retirement or withdrawal and rest means rest (of death). While saved means be delivered, be liberated, be victorious. It became clear what He was speaking, "Retirement from your old way of living in unbelief, complete withdrawal from wanting to be what others think of you, dying to this part of you is how I (God) will deliver and liberate you and cause you to be victorious over depression. 'If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.' (Matthew 16:25)"

My rescue will come as I reveal more of myself to others. It's scary. Will I be accepted? Will I be loved? But, that's just His point. What others think of me should have no bearing. I should strive to please God and God only. I am made in His image and it is good.

Promise of Life

There are days when I look at my life and wonder if God meant it to be more than this. I lived most of my life believing that God's salvation was my ticket to heaven. So, I lived life doing my best to be a representative of one who would be going to heaven. Heaven was my goal. My living merely pointed out my need for forgiveness.

But, is Heaven the real goal? If so, then why would He leave me here once I believed in Christ? I believe it is for life... Life! About a year ago, I was reading in Matthew and was struck by a verse I had internalize to be something different than what I was reading. Matthew 7:13-14 says, "The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to _______ is very narrow and road is difficult and only a few find it." Did you insert what I have for so many years? I've heard this verse often over my lifetime and have internalized that blank to have the word "heaven" in it. But, the word that belongs in this spot is "life." The Greek for the beginning of the verse gives even more insight. "The highway to hell" in Greek is "The road that leads to destruction." Our existence here is not about getting to one of two destinations, Hell or Heaven. Instead God desires for us to gain life. The life He so desperately wants us to choose is pictured in the Greek. "Life real and genuine, a life active and vigorous, devoted to God, blessed, in the portion even in this world of those who put their trust in Christ, but after the resurrection to be consummated by new accessions (among them a more perfect body), and to last for ever."

I have recently been reminded of this promise of life as I read through Isaiah. Chapter 26 verse 3 states, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you." As I dissected the Hebrew, I found the words keep and peace to represent You preserving our lives, guarding us from dangers and being our watchman providing safety, welfare, health, prosperity and friendship. This doesn't sounds like a God who just wants us to skip our earthly living and get on up to Heaven.

But, notice the conditions in that verse, You provide this promise for "... all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you." In order to experience life described above requires us to fix our thoughts on Him. We must retrain our thought patterns to think of Your ways and Truth. "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." (Romans 12:2)

Life is the promise and is meant to be experienced here. Jesus tells us in John 10:10, "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." The Greek identifies the word life in this verse to be the exact same as the life mentioned in Matthew 7. "Life real and genuine, a life active and vigorous, devoted to God, blessed, in the portion even in this world of those who put their trust in Christ, but after the resurrection to be consummated by new accessions (among them a more perfect body), and to last for ever." Remember though our human thoughts deceive and they must be transformed by God's Truth. "Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life which is corrupted by... deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on you new nature, created to be like God - truly righteous and holy." (Ephesians 4:21-24)

Giggling

For my current Bible study, Believing God by Beth Moore, she has asked that we read Romans 4 twenty times over the course of nine weeks. As I sat down to mark another reading off this list of must do’s, I thought to myself, “I wish reading this chapter was more than just another to do. I really want to get something new from here, but I practically know these words by heart I’ve read it so many times in the past few weeks.” I did not speak these thoughts to God. They were merely thoughts contained within. A similar example would be what I thought yesterday as I cleaned a disgusting toilet, “I really don’t want to do this. I’m not even sure I can stomach this. Man, this toilet is just gross!” Thoughts… not something I prayed to my Heavenly Father.

These thoughts (about Romans 4, not the toilet) occurred simultaneously with my eyes beginning to read. As if words had a voice of their own, they leapt into my heart and mind in a whole new way. The revelation in itself is a feast for my soul, but what God spoke to me first came from Isaiah. “I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!... Now I will tell you new things, secrets you have not yet heard. They are brand new, not things from the past… Yes, I will tell you of things that are entirely new, things you never heard before.” (65:24, 48: 6,7,8)

I just giggle inside at my AWESOME God! Oh how He loves us so!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps)

Pitching a Fit

I find myself increasingly in the position of being asked to obey God. I am glad to say obedience wins out, but not before I get in a few words, or should I say shouts and screams. While I'm at it, I like to stomp and sometimes even pitch a little fit. All this because obedience is hard. Love your enemies. Humble yourself by thinking of others before you. I must sacrifice what my flesh truly desires in order to obey (Romans 12:1). I just don't want to do it, but after I've had mine, I follow through.

He's ever so gently brought my unwilling obedience to my attention. It happens when I give my little five year old a directive, hear groans, whining and the word "Whhhyyyyy?" and then say to him, "I believe 'Yes, ma'am' will do. Now hop to it." God has said to my heart, "Isn't this the same kind of obedience I want from you?" Talk about being humbled...

During my last Beth Moore video session from Believing God, she told of a similar experience in her life. Her realization was that it was believing her fear that made her act defiantly to God's specific instructions. When she said this, it rang true in my own heart. My greatest fear that Satan uses against me is that I am not good enough. So, I often do not want to do what God is asking because surely others will discover for themselves that I really am not good enough. Other times my rebellious beginning stems from a belief that I am not good enough to do what He's asking. I will drag His name and character through the mud.

Yet I am reminded, "I can do all things through Christ." (Philippians 4:13) But what does this really mean? Because when He speaks, I really feel my lie is more true than His word. Beth reminded us of Joshua 1. God speaks these words to Joshua, "Moses my servant is dead. Therefore, the time has come for you to lead these people." Talk about not feeling good enough. Joshua is next in line to lead the Israelites after MOSES! Joshua must have been afraid and felt inadequate because God says to him, "For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people...This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:5,6,9)

Looking back at the KJV I noticed verse 5 says, "I will not fail you or forsake you." The original Greek for fail and forsake give a vivid picture of what God was saying to Joshua. Fail brings this connotation, "to relax, withdraw, to refrain, to let alone, to be quiet." While forsake means, "to depart from, to leave behind, neglect." God is telling Joshua to be strong and courageous because He will not withdraw from him, relax his grip, or be silent. He will not send Joshua out to conquer these peoples and depart from him or neglect him.

For me, obedience takes on a new role. If He's telling me to do it, then I know He will not fail me or forsake me either. Strength and courage come as God's words become more truth than the lie. "Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do." (Joshua 1:7-8) Laying aside the lie and saying, "Yes, sir" each time obedience is required can be done in confidence when we are consistently in His word.

Raising the Dead

I've recently been struggling to keep my spirits out of the dump. That's no explanation as to my absence here because I've had several things I've wanted to post. But, when I find myself in this place of BLAH, I am unmotivated to even do the things I love.

My negative emotional state has caused me to examine and re-examine just who I'm believing. Have you ever been told not to pray for patience? My most recent Bible study, Believing God by Beth Moore, has had similar repercussions. Beth challenges the student to believe 1) God is who He says He is. 2) God can do what He says He can do. 3) I am who God says I am. 4) I can do all things through Christ. 5) God's word is alive and active in me. Let me just say that after 3 weeks, God is still working in me to get me to believe with everything I am that He truly is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do.


When I began my first week of homework, I prayed, "I want to learn from this study, but it just seems like wrote learning. Make it mean something. Grow it inside me and use it to transform me." And did He ever answer! Just like a prayer for patience, He's begun to test me. Testing to see just what do I believe. Here I am in a place where I typically struggle to hear God's voice over the shouts of the enemy. A place where my feelings are the opposite of His Truth to me. A place reminescent of defeat. A place I call depression.

I continue to seek God and repeat His Word to myself in this time, in this place, but it is difficult to really believe. Verses that stuck in my head seemed to be speaking the opposite of what I was experiencing. Part of me could identify with Abraham who "at about 100 years of age... figured his body was as good as dead - and so was Sarah's womb" yet, God had told him, "I will make you the father of many nations." (Romans 4:19, 17) It was the same for me. My current life circumstances were quite contrary to His Truth. I read in Hosea 6: 1-3, "Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds. In just a short time he will restore us, so that we may live in his presence. Oh that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring." After reading this passage, as I was readying myself one morning, I heard Him say, "I will heal you! Do you believe that I can?" I wanted to believe He was going to heal me of this depression, that He meant it to be a permanent healing, but thought more practically and reasoned that my feelings, opposite of this Truth, were much more believable.


I continued to combat this yuckiness while God continued asking, "Do you believe that I can heal you?" I wanted to believe He could, but the bondage depression kept my mind and emotional state in seemed much more real.


Continuing to participate in the only thing that I knew could save me from myself, I stayed in the Word. I began Romans and came to chapter 4 verse 17, "...Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life..." I was trudging through merely practicing ritual, but knew something about this verse hit deep within me. I sensed God was asking me to believe that if He could bring the dead back to life He could therefore easily heal me of this depression. Well, I believe He can raise the dead. Just look at Jesus... and even Lazarus, and numerous other people throughout the Bible. So, what was He getting at?


Carrying around this unfinished work of His inside me for days, I muddled through. Easter Sunday arrived and I spent the sunrise with Him, alone. I read in Romans 4 again and noticed verse 18, "For God had said to him..." Abraham did not have the Scriptures to consult to confirm his belief. He was experiencing (his old age) the opposite of what God was promising, yet he believed because God had said it to him. God had told me that He would heal me of this yucky state and I prayed, "Oh how I want to believe just because you speak it to me. 'I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief.' (Mark 9:24) I want faith like Abraham..."


At church that same Easter day, we sang a revved up version of Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onxhvivQYfI) I was just going with the flow singing an old hymn I hadn't sung in a while when the band kicked it up a notch and the words sounded similar to Romans 4:17. We sang, "Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead." I began to sob uncontrollably because it was then I heard what He was trying to say. "Cara, I have given you 'new life in Christ.' But, this all sticks with you because I raise the dead, literally. I raised you from the dead that lonesome night so long ago. It was my power alone that raised your dead life that night. Believe me! Believe my words to you! Believe my power to do what I promise! 'Be fully persuaded that what [I] promise, [I] am able also to perform. (Romans 4:21 KJV)... Believe me!"


You see, at the age of 13 or 14, I spent a dreary night in what seemed like an endless depressive state and took every Tylenol, Nuprin, Motrin in our house until I gagged because I could swallow no more. I went to bed telling no one. Because of newly discovered facts due to a family member's recent suicide attempt, I now know that medically, I should have died from liver and other organ failure. But, instead He rid me of everything I had taken. He was the only One who knew and He saved me from dying that lonely night.

You see, I saw my survival as yet another thing I was not good enough at. I couldn't even kill myself. I lived after that attempt believing that my body simply rejected all I had ingested just as my dog's body does when she eats too many socks. I did not realize He performed a miracle in my life until April 12, 2009.

Healing of my depression did not occur in the miraculous revelation of that moment, but do I know He will do it? Listen to Him tell you, "Now Cara, share this! 'Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His faithful love endures forever. Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.' (Psalm 107:1-2) Now this depressive state will no longer have it's hold on you. Now confess this unbelief to others... 'Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.' (James 5:16)"

Believe Him? You bet I do! Know that He has given me grace to share because we have argued over Him telling me to write this for a few weeks. But, sharing my weaknesses, faults, trials, mistakes, sins, is what will bring me healing. Obedience to His voice and believing Him is a life lived in freedom and abundance.

The miraculous has not been wasted on me!! His purposes for denying my cries that night are far greater than I could have ever imagined. Glory to His name! Amen and Amen!

Mercy

Do you have people in your life that hurt and disappoint you? Have you ever been angry because someone has hurt you by making a decision without any regard for others? I'm there!! What to do with all that swirls within as a result... so I went to God, the only place I could be totally honest and at the same time expect the Truth in return.

In my anger, literal screaming in my head, He asked me, "Where is your hope? Who do you look to with expectation, for fulfillment or satisfaction?" After years of miraculous transformation in me by Him, I could answer, "You. You are enough. You are all... 'And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.' (Psalm 39:7) But, now what, God? What do I do with the pain, heartache, hurt?"

God's sweet reply was, "If Christianity's purpose is for Me to reconcile the world back to Me through those whom I choose to express my glory and mercy through, then can I not use you in this situation?" What?! MERCY!! You want me to extend mercy to this person? But, they don't deserve it! To which He says, "Neither do you, my dear."

As our conversation lulled, I began remembering some verses in Romans 9 that had been, when first read, confusing. "God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen... He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory." (vv. 18,23) He then clarified, "Yes, my dear, I have hardened this person's heart so that my glory can shine even brighter through you whom I have chosen. When you allow the power of the Spirit control in this situation and show mercy, My glory will shine even brighter in you. You will magnify my glory to others because it will not be you doing the work. It will be Me in You working. You cannot show mercy apart from Me. Others will see Me because they will know you alone cannot be reacting with mercy in this situation."

In my desire for deeper understanding, I read the KJV of these two verses and searched the dictionary for the meaning of mercy. I found that the KJV translated "those to whom he shows mercy" into "vessels of mercy." So, it is not that I am better, I have just been chosen as a vessel for carrying His mercy to others. Well, just what does this churchy word, mercy, mean? Webster's Dictionary says, "A compassion or forbearance (refraining from the enforcement of something) shown especially to an offender. A blessing that is an act of divine favor. Mercy implies compassion that forbears punishing even when justice demands it." Wow!! I have been offened and yet God has chosen me as His vessel for refraining from punishing this person. Instead, God wants to shower a blessing of Divine favor on them through me.

But, I don't want to... How can I do this?

"And so dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give you bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him." (Romans 12:1) I must sacrifice what my flesh desires in this situation - punishing this person for hurting and disappointing me. My living, my actions to this person, should be a sacrifice of what I really want to do.

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Isn't this at the heart of my hurt and anger? O, Lord, that I may become a new person more like your Son. Continue to alter my thinking. May I become a willing vessel of Your mercy. Through surrending to Your power at work within, produce in me the characteristics of the fruit of Your Spirit, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22)

Thank you for this circumstance. Although painful, you have used it to grow me. As my momma used to say, "Those are just growing pains." When the pains from growth disappear, we are forever changed. I am forever grateful You did not allow me to waver in bitterness for long. You used this willing heart to render glory to Your name. "For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory." (Romans 11:36)

Celebrate Rest

I love to know God, to feel Him boldly at work within me. I crave his powerful presence moving me, changing me, growing me. Yet, it will not always be so. I have reached this place recently. In the beginning of my intimate journey with God, my mind perceived He was silent during these times. Though, as I came down from my most recent mountain, I knew from a deep place within that this was different. I found the need to remind myself of His presence even though I didn’t feel it. “I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety…You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.” (Psalm 16:8,9,11) I needed to believe Him, trust Him, rest in my faith. I believe the truth of these verses and would often repeat them out loud to Him (Psalm 116: 10) helping to put my confidence in the reality of His Word.

The more I believed Psalm 16:8,9, & 11, the more I sensed Him wanting to teach me in this place as well. I firmly believe God calls us to praise Him for an outcome that is yet to be out of pure belief that He WILL bring it to be. Although I was not overwhelmed by His current presence, I was being drawn to celebrate Him in me. I lived my days continuing to believe our relationship was good. It was not that God was silent at this time, just quiet, reserved, comfortable. I prayed, “Teach me to relish in the resting of these moments…”

At the moment of that prayer, I was reminded of the end of Esther. The Jews in Susa celebrated a day of rest from their enemies. God had been bold to save them from sudden death, and they celebrated the rest He gave them. I remembered all the recent instances where God was showing me all the many blessings He had poured out on me in this recent move. I was a far cry from my arrival here just over a year ago. Although life here began much like Paul’s description in 2 Corinthians 7:5 “When we arrived in Macedonia, there was no rest for us. We faced conflict from every direction, with battles on the outside and fear on the inside.” Life now was lived in the joy and fulfillment of verse 6, “But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us…” In awe of His favor, I felt the need to celebrate it all. At the same time, I was overcome by a sense that He had brought me to a place of rest. It was the same for me as for the Jews in Susa. God had rescued me from a life lived in defeat and mediocrity (spiritual death), poured out His abundant goodness on me, and I was drawn to celebrate His provision of rest.

Remembering a verse from Hebrews, I went to read it. “So we see that because of their unbelief they were not able to enter his rest.” (3:19) My rest had come because I refused to harbor unbelief. I rejected the lies of my enemy that God had abandoned me in this recent stillness and instead believed the Truth written in Psalm 16: 8, 9 & 11. “For only we who believe can enter his rest.” (Hebrews 4:3)

What are we to believe? The Truth found in His Word. In the words of the band Casting Crowns, “I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth Your Word reveals.” Even though I could not feel His bold presence, I believed the Truth that “he [was] right beside me.” There is a precious hymn I remember singing as a child that says it best, “Standing on the promises that cannot fail, when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, by the living Word of God I shall prevail, standing on the promises of God. Standing, standing, standing on the promises of Christ my Savior; standing, standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.” (verse 2 from Standing on the Promises)

Live believing… so that others may see Christ and also find rest in Him. “Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere, like a sweet perfume. Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God.” (2 Corinthians 2:14-15) He desires my living to celebrate this rest and leave behind a fragrance as sweet as Christ’s sacrifice.

The Simple Life

Since my last post, God has brought me back to a very simple way of living. Not a life of ease, just simplistic. The other day I spent time talking with my sister and chased other people's blogs and even other people's favorite blogs. Through my conversation with her and reading all these blog excerpts about relationships, changed lives, hurts, growing up, joys, struggles... life, I came face to face with the other people's realities. It was as if I was living the chorus of Brandon Heath's song, Give Me Your Eyes. And that is when the last few chapters I'd been reading in 1 Corinthians began to sink in to somewhere deep inside. It is about a way of living... "But now let me show you a way of life that is best of all." (1 Corinthians 12:31)


"If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:2) There is much to be gained in depth and fullness in real relationship with God, but it is worth nothing to us if we do not use it to love others. Not that intimate relationship with Christ should not be sought after. On the contrary, to love as described in the famous verses of 1 Corinthians 13 could only be achieved by dying to ourselves and allowing Christ to love through us. But the focus is not the gifts received from deep communion with Jesus, but how we use our gifting to let Him love others through us.

Just as struck as I was by other people's realities, I was convicted by a quote Beth Moore used in a DVD session of her Esther study that seems to sum it up: "In the eyes of the world, it is not our relationship to Jesus Christ that counts; it is our resemblance to Him." Paul puts it this way, "Let love be your highest goal!" (1 Corinthians 14:1)

Love, love, love... the Christian life simplified.

Transformation: A Work in Progress

Colliding head on into other people's stuff draws me to the place where He clarifies all that swirls in my head. A place where, in the words of the band Casting Crowns, "I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your Word reveals...." Jesus prays for us to His Almighty Father in John 17:17, "Make them holy by your truth, teach them your word, which is truth."

Sometimes I am so assimilated into this earthly life that I do not notice that I have taken on a lie of the world as "just how it is." I do not realize that I have a choice to believe differently. I do not even see the need to believe differently. This is where God and I met today.

I struggled inside today. My feelings wrestled with what I knew was truth from Scripture. I wanted to justify my feelings in His Word. I saw His truth, but wanted my feelings verified. I even went so far as to research the meaning of the original Greek language in one such verse hoping to arrive at the conclusion I desired. All to no avail. God's Word is truth not my feelings.

He brought Romans 12:2 to mind, "Don't copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." I had allowed the world's views to slip in silently and affect my emotions allowing me to justify sinful behavior in others. It was here He said, "I do not want you to think like the world. Let my Truth transform you by transforming your thinking even in this matter."

So, then what? I am now left with the known sin of others that He is asking me to object to. But, I ask, "What about love?" You want me to stand against the sin, but love the person. Isn't this contradictory? "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good." (Romans 12:9) What does this look like? Work this out in me... "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." (Philippians 1:6)

May I be a willing participant of Your work. "Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path..." (Psalm 27:11) "The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you." (Psalm 32:8)

Intoxicated

Just as we entered the Lenten season, I was reading from the book of Joel. I remember being slapped in the face with an incredible revelation that I've been wanting to share. Still geared up on caffine from an "Amy" (the local ice cream/ coffee shop's signature chocolate espresso milk shake), I reminesce over my conviction. Please ablige me.

(Warning: This verse may seem a bit "in your face.") "Wake up you drunkards and weep!" (Joel 1:5) Who me? What could I be drunk on? Sure, I like a good glass of wine or a cold beer on a hot day, but me, drunk... drunkenness... What keeps me in a stooper where my vision is blurred and my mind is clouded? (Ouch! This may hurt!)

The world... the insatiable lust for more... the desire to be more beautiful so much so that I am not satisfied in my present state... discontent! Me! The world keeps me drunk on ME! My thoughts consistently steer toward me and my happiness, unhappiness, appearance, wants, hurts, joys, rights, fears... irrelevant of anyone else. Inebriated, I am unable to clearly see, hear or even understand God's desires for me.

God wants to share himself with me, but cannot because there is not room for Him in someone totally self-consumed. He's calling me to sober up and be remorseful of my state of drunkenness. "Turn to me now while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning. Don't tear your clothing in your grief, but tear your hearts instead." (Joel 2:12-13) We need this reality check...

But, the point is not a self-loathing attitude either. This is just the opposite end of the pride spectrum. The point is not the person at all. The point is Christ... Christ being lived through the actions and attitudes of those He inhabits. This is work! It requires a constant checking and re-checking of thought patterns and the actions that overflow from them. Choosing to live by the Spirit, not the flesh. Yes, it is a choice, sometimes a very difficult choice, but a choice is what we are given. "So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves." (Galatians 5:16)

So, "I pray that from his glorious unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit... [May] your roots grow down into God's love and keep you strong... Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:16, 17, 20,21)

Determined for Greatness

I often day dream about this place. A place where something that seems to be comes to really be. This is the place where God meets me to speak truth and love to my soul longing, thirsting for His living water. I am here...

It has occurred to me in the past few days, as I planned to host a Bible study at my home, that I am living Proverbs 16:9, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." As the start date drew closer and closer, I received call after call of women backing out. I had made plans to lead a group of women, but God determined that the group I lead consist of two people, one of whom was me. Boy what that will do to someone who struggles with the fear of not being chosen stemming from belief in a lie that she is not good enough!

But, as usual, my time alone in God's Word became very relevant to my current looming despair. I ventured into 1 Corinthians after a short time in Joel. There I was face to face with Paul the Super-Christian. But, his words sang truth to my weary soul. "Remember that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you..." (1:26) I am of little significance in worldly terms. No fame or fortune. A mere mom and wife wanting to live in the fullness of God's glory and goodness intended for me. "God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." (1:28-29) Because God took my relatively large number of women and dwindled them down, I see myself for who I am and am unable to boast in my own ability, but realize God will use my willingness to participate in His work.

Now not being able to boast in my ability to gather women or my own influence in their lives or any ability of my own, I was vulnerable, weak. I read, "He will keep you strong... God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says... God's weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength." (1:8-9,25) Yet, I still felt defeated, and I heard Jesus say, "Believe Me...'Be strong and courageous and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God is with you.' (1 Chronicles 28:20) Do not measure your worth in earthly standards! Find your worth in Me alone, knowing you are where I have placed you. 'Don't put your confidence in... people, there is no help for you there... But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God.' (Psalm 146:3,5) Believe Me..."

I determined to continue on with the study. And, I continued on into 1 Corinthians. And of course, comfort was found. (Sometimes I wonder why I'm so surprised when God shows up so boldly.) Paul says, "I came to you weakness - timid and trembling. And my message and my preaching were very plain. Rather than using clever and persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit. I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God." (2:3-5) At this point, I was also weak with a simple message. But, that's what God needed me to learn. It wasn't about delivering a life-changing message to a large group of women in my home. It would have been too easy to boast in myself and my ability in all that missing Him altogether. Both my neighbor and I will now only be able to trust in the power of God's Holy Spirit at work in us.

I wonder if we don't all struggle with this same lesson. We have in our minds that to work for Christ would mean we must do something great, big, drastic, but we are merely regular people living the ordinary. I like how Beth Moore puts it in her study of Esther, "This is the stuff of ordinary life. We have trash to take out. Bills to pay. Mortgages to meet. Make no mistake. Extraordinary things happen around us continually. We just don't always recognize them... Great lives don't always seem great while we're living them. They may seem embarrassingly regular. Seeking to be extraordinary isn't the answer because great lives are never achieved by making greatness the goal... To live for the greatness of God is to live the great life... Every one of us who embraces the glory of God as our purpose will end up doing great things precisely because we do God-things. His holy hand resting on the least act renders the ordinary extraordinary... Christ summons the disillusioned to the paradoxical bliss of spilling life lavishly, sacrificially for the glory of God and the good of man. Those with presence of mind and semblance of health are called to pour out the drink offering of their lives until the cup is overturned and every drop of energy slips - perhaps unnoticed, uncelebrated - into the vast ocean of earthly need."

Wake Us Up Inside

It is my desire to share my very personal intimate relationship with my God with others. I want them to know Him, really know Him. Not just know about Him, but know Him.

I lived so much of my life with God in a box. He was who I perceived Him to be outside of daily time in His word learning Him. I see many living just as I did for so long and yearn for them to grow deeper and wider in their knowledge and understanding of who He is and the reality of Him in their lives.

Matthew 13:11-16 lays out my turmoil. "You are permitted to understand the secrets of the Kingdom of Heaven, but others are not. To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given, and they will have an abundance of knowledge. But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them. That is why I use these parables, For they look, but they don't really see. They hear, but they don't really listen or understand. This fulfills the prophecy of Isaiah that says, 'When you hear what I say, you will not understand. When you see what I do, you will not comprehend. For the hearts of these people are hardened, and their ears cannot hear, and they have closed their eyes-- so their eyes cannot see, and their ears cannot hear, and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and let me heal them.' But blessed are you eyes, because they see, and your ears, because they hear."

We have the opportunity to know God yet we choose not to by not allowing the messages we hear to transform our lives. Listening implies application of what was heard. It is the cry of my heart that all desire God's transformation in their lives. Desiring to be unsatisfied with our sinful selves, we come to Him seeking new life. In the words of the band Evanescence, "Wake us up inside!"

Hard Choices

Most times I come here I have a good idea what will end up on the page. Today I'm not so sure. I'm drawn to write here... now..., but unsure where today's journey will take us.

I have been digging in 2 Peter 1 for the past few days. Every verse seems to be screaming depth into my heart and mind. I want to fully grasp it all so have stayed put for the past few days until all is discovered.

I take you to verse 3, "By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life." Do you ever find it easier to be Jesus to perfect strangers or even acquaintances than to those you are closest to? That is my current position. I feel His divine power to be His hands, feet, ears, and mouth out there, but at home it is quite a different picture. Inside these walls I struggle to live in the fullness of who God is, yet this verse reminds me He has already given me what I need. I should not think it a difficult task to love my two boys because then I am not believing the Truth of His Word that speaks to me today.

I continue to receive what I need by staying in the Word. "We have received all of this by coming to know him..." (v. 3) The more I seek to know Him, the more He gives me for living a godly life. "...[H]e has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world's corruption caused by human desires." (v.4) It is a choice. If I choose to accept this gift, I get His divine nature living through me in my words and actions, AND I escape the world's corruption. OR, I choose my own human desires, my way, what I want.

Staying in the Word reminds me that I do have a choice to fight my flesh when screaming uncontrollably at the overactive five year old chasing a giant dog inside the house seems like my only option. Staying in the Word reminds me of my choice to intentionally build my husband up with words of affirmation instead of spouting off all about me. Staying in the Word reminds me that it is a choice to die to my wants and ways and instead think of others before myself. "Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." (Philippians 2:3-4)

He's given me all I need for living a godly life inside my home, but I have to want it more than I want my own way. It is my choice. Will I choose the power of His divine nature dwelling within me or will I choose my own?

I really like my way... it is so hard to let go... I am not strong enough... I am weak... "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) And so I choose obedience to Your call for me inside my home. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10) ..."For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13) May I be your hands, feet, ears and mouth inside my home as well.

Comfort Food

Today as I read in 1 Peter my soul feasted on fair that my God used to wrap His arms around me. There are many times when He speaks that He seeks transformation in me. Today was a day where He just poured down his love by confirming His desires for me through the Truth in His Word.

It began in chapter 4 verses 2 & 3, “You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God. You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy…” In the past couple of weeks, He’s called me to try some new things and expand others, none of which were even on my radar when I moved to this new place almost a year ago. Some things seem crazy, yet, as I follow through in obedience, He proves Himself faithful. It is just as these verses describe. I anticipate the next thing He spurs me to participate in with Him and no longer cling to the desires of my flesh.

I laugh out loud at the next few verses and His very relevant, very literal Word to my precious heart. “… be earnest and disciplined in your prayers.” (1 Peter 4:7) He called me specifically to pray for my son today after I read in 1 Peter. (Read blog entry “Birthday Presents.”) Next, I read, “God has given you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies.” (1 Peter 4:10-11) We are all gifted in different ways as the verses suggest, but it’s crazy that God has been stretching me in these two primary areas. He’s been asking me to speak out about His work in my life and to devote intentional time each week to helping others. These verses just reaffirm that I am hearing Him correctly.

Thank you, God. Thank you for keeping me on your path and letting me know that I’m right where you want me. “Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen.” (1 Peter 4:11)

Birthday Presents

Today my little man has turned five! A milestone… looking ahead this fall to Kindergarten and realizing he is no longer a baby. My first thoughts of him this morning imagined his excitement when he would tear open his real Fender Stratacaster Mini (i.e. electric guitar). I so delight in giving him his desires.

Yet, I was reminded of something more important that I can give him. I began asking God a few years ago to give me some Scripture to pray for my handsome little devil. He brought those two Scriptures to my mind this morning and asked me to recommit myself to desiring fulfillment of the things of this precious one’s spirit. God was asking me to get back to the place where I long for my boy to mature in his relationship with his Heavenly Father even more than I desire to give him his physical wants.

I pray: “My son, learn to know the God of your ancestors intimately. Worship and serve him with your whole heart and a willing mind. For the Lord sees every heart and knows every plan and thought. If you seek him, you will find him… Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you… May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.” (1 Chronicles 28:9, 20; Numbers 6:24-26)

Wanting to give my sweet musician his wish was not wrong, even God feels this way toward us (Psalm 34:7), but God used it to teach me. Oh, that I always remain teachable! “Tune your ears to wisdom and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver, seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord and you will gain knowledge of God.” (Proverbs 2:2-5)

Raised in the Church

I sometimes think about my childhood and the fortunate circumstances of being raised in a Christian home that kept me at church constantly. Some of my earliest memories stem from experiences at church. I often felt like I lived at the church. Samuel was no different. From the time he was weaned from his mother, he lived (yes, literally, not figuratively as in my case) at the Temple working for the high priest, Eli. "Meanwhile, the boy Samuel served the Lord by assisting Eli." (1 Samuel 3:1)

Despite Samuel's dedicated life in service to the Lord, he "did not yet know the Lord because he had never had a message from the Lord before." (1 Samuel 3:7) How could Samuel not know the Lord when his entire life was spent in service to the Lord? He helped with all the Old Testament rituals of running the Temple. I'm sure He knew the in's and out's of the types of sacrifices and which sacrifices were offered when and how. The Israelites are steeped in knowing God through ritual at the time of Samuel, yet we are told that Samuel does NOT yet know the Lord.

I remember a verse from Hosea, "I want you to show love not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings." (6:6) Christ quotes this verse to the Pharisees, those seeking perfection by keeping the law, twice in Matthew (9:13, 12:7). Obviously there is more to knowing God than head knowledge. We can have lots of head knowledge of God through Bible stories and religious rituals, but unless we allow that knowledge to transform our hearts we do not know God either. It is when God speaks a message to our hearts and we allow Him access to the deepest places to change us into someone that looks more like His Son that we truly know Him.

"Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring." (Hosea 6:3)

The Word is Life

I began reading 1 Peter this week. It's a bit strong, but here we go. "For you have been born again, but not to a life that will quickly end. Your new life will last forever because it comes from the eternal living word of God." (1 Peter 1:23) We know this to be true because our salvation is found in Christ... "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." And we read in John, "In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He existed in the beginning with God. God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone." So, Jesus gives us our salvation as the eternal living Word of God.

Yet, there is practical application in the last sentence of verse 23 of 1 Peter. "Your new life will last forever because it comes from the eternal living word of God." If we stick our noses in the eternal living Word of God (aka The Bible), won't we be face to face with Jesus, His very character and nature? Our "new life" will be evidenced in us as we get into God's Word. When we are seeking God through the study of His Word, He infuses the very life of Jesus into us.

From a life lived apart from the intentional study of God's Word, I can safely say that the opposite is also true. I spent my Christian life beginning at age 8 until I was 29 believing that I should read the Bible because that's what good Christians do. I had it on my list of must-do's, but never seemed to be consistent. At the ripe old age of 29 1/2, I decided I was going to win this battle (ha)! So, I created a spreadsheet containing my own personal ideas of what I must do each day in order to be this good Christian woman I thought I should be. Needless to say, the spreadsheet never had every item checked on a single day. (Some days had nothing checked off!) It was in this process that I learned reading my Bible is not about gaining brownie points with God or feeling good about myself. It is about allowing God access to breathe "new life" into me.

We need this "new life" otherwise we die a little each day. "People are like grass; their beauty is like a flower in the field. The grass withers and the flower fades. But the word of the Lord remains forever." (1 Peter 1:24-25) We cannot do this thing, live on earth, in our own human strength. It is fading. But, the Word of the Lord breathed into us brings forth new life through Christ Jesus.

Not only do we need His life breathed into us, but God has more to offer us than church on Sunday and heaven after we die! "You must crave pure spiritual milk so that you will grow into a full experience of salvation." (1 Peter 2:2) God wants to share more of himself with us. He wants us to share more of ourselves with Him. It's called relationship. Here God becomes relevant to your very specific tasks, needs, heartaches, joys, and you begin to participate in His purposes. You can experience His fullness there!

Be mindful, fullness is never totally achieved this side of heaven. No one reaches the goal, including me. "I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." (Philippians 3:12)... And, I "cry out for this nourishment, now that [I] have had a taste of the Lord's kindness." (1 Peter 2:2-3)

So together we, the body of Christ, determine to not be satisfied. "So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don't need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. You don't need further instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement. And so, God willing, we will move forward to further understanding." (Hebrews 6:1-3)

Crave His life breathed in you by His word. (And when I don't crave Him, I ask Him to stir in me a deep yearning for His presence.) "O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in your sanctuary and gazed upon your power and glory. Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise you! I will praise you as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer. You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy." (Psalm 63:1-5)