I've been venturing through Isaiah lately. My journey through this book has been highly personal and has kept me from wanting to share in this place. Yet, I remember His voice to me only a few weeks ago in Psalm 107:1-2, "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever. Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies." So, here I am...
The depth of this pilgrimage began in chapter 30. God personalized a few of these verses so that they hit home. "You make plans that are contrary to mine. You make alliances not directed by my Spirit, [believing Satan's lies and not My Truth], thus piling up your sins. For without consulting me you have [sought help, strength, and solace in believing who others think you are]. You have put your trust in [wanting to be this person they think you to be]." Because I have believed the enemy's destructive voice always reminding me I am not good enough, I have put my hope and trust in the front I put forward that gives others the impression I am "normal." The impression that I don't live in fear of what others think of me. The impression that because God and I are tight I have it all together. The impression that my daily time in His Word hearing His voice makes my life something to be envied.
The truth is actually quite different. If others really knew what went on inside my head, then they might consider "God's voice" to be just another voice I hear in my head. That if others really, and I mean really knew me, they might really think me CRAZY and not all Christian. And if others thought this way, then God's purposes for me are void.
It was in this thought process and my struggle with depression where God began to speak to me and seek further transformation. He sought for me to want to be who He was calling me to be more than wanting to be who others thought me to be. I know many that I am close to think of me as "good." Because I have believed for so long that I am not good enough, I found comfort in others believing me to be good enough. But, I had to hide who I really was from them because if they truly understood me deeply, then I would no longer be held in such high esteem. At this realization, He said, "In returning and rest shall ye be saved..." (KJV 30:15) A closer look at the Hebrew speaks volumes. Returning means retirement or withdrawal and rest means rest (of death). While saved means be delivered, be liberated, be victorious. It became clear what He was speaking, "Retirement from your old way of living in unbelief, complete withdrawal from wanting to be what others think of you, dying to this part of you is how I (God) will deliver and liberate you and cause you to be victorious over depression. 'If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.' (Matthew 16:25)"
My rescue will come as I reveal more of myself to others. It's scary. Will I be accepted? Will I be loved? But, that's just His point. What others think of me should have no bearing. I should strive to please God and God only. I am made in His image and it is good.
