I am here. I love this place with Him.
I read again in 1 Samuel today in chapter 23. There was a "word" there this morning, yet I knew deep within that He meant for me to get something more. So, the end of my journal entry this morning said, "O Lord, God of Israel, please tell me." (v. 11) Jesus speaks to me next and says, "What do you want me to do for you, [Cara]?" I replied with the words of the blind man to whom he speaks those words to in Mark 10:51, "I want to see [You]!" I then prayed Psalm 63:1-5 to Him. When I am unsettled, even slightly, I only know to remember He is GOD. I knew He would reveal Himself. That all said, His Truth in 1 Samuel 23 is still to this moment being made more real, more whole.
I read the beginning of the chapter this morning with focus on David's drivenness to seek God's will for him. Before David made a move to rescue those in Keilah from the Philistines, he petitions God. "David asked the Lord, 'Should I go... ?' " (v.2) Wanting to be sure he heard God correctly the first time, "David asked the Lord again, and again the Lord replied..." (v.4) There are those rare moments, though growing less and less rare, where my relationship with God resembles conversations like these David has with his Lord. I can identify with David. I really seek to live all God's plans for me in even the most mundane task. Yet, I knew this was not all He had for me today.
Fast forward my day to about 11:30 a.m. I was at Bible study watching session four of Beth Moore's newest study, a study on Esther. (God is so good in His relevance. He knows I can only attempt to learn more of Him if He overlaps single lessons into several areas of my life.) Without giving you my commentary on the entire 4 weeks of the study so far, I do feel obliged to provide background.
King Xerxes has proclaimed, at the hand of his evil sidekick, Haman, the Jews of Susa will be exterminated in 11 months. Esther, queen and, unbeknownst to anyone but her uncle, a Jew, is faced with the choice to remain silent or go before the king and plead for a reprieve for her people. The choice seems simple, but listen to the scene she explains to her uncle. "All the king's officials and even the people in the provinces know that anyone who appears before the king in his inner court without being invited is doomed to die unless the king holds out his gold scepter. And the king has not called for me to come to him for thirty days." (Esther 4:11)
Whoa! Everyone, including Esther, needed to be asked for specifically by the king to even speak with him. Let that sit... Now, think about her last sentence, "And the king has not called for me to come to him for thirty days." Remember, Esther is one of at least two wives. Plus the king has an entire harem of concubines at his disposal. Talk about insecurity.
Knowing these facts, I see that Esther is not merely faced with death at the hand of Haman the anti-Semitic and not just death at her husband's hand. But, Esther is faced with the fear of not being chosen. "...anyone who appears before the king in his inner court without being invited is doomed to die unless the king holds out his gold scepter." She hasn't been asked for by the king in thirty days... I would be terrified I was no longer his chosen woman, and he would offer no mercy if I were to step into his presence uninvited. More than death, it would break my heart that my man may no longer choose me!
Fear of not being chosen... no longer being "the one"... not good enough. This is a great lie that I can find at the root of my every fear, my every indecisive moment, everything that keeps me immobilized and unable to participate in God's purposes for me. When Beth spoke today of Esther facing her fear, I identified myself with Esther. God then spoke a verse from earlier in the week, 1 Peter 2:9, "...for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession." God has chosen me! I am chosen by the One who matters most!
Realizing this truth, He urged me to look at the very practical application of just what does my fear, believing my lie, keep me from participating in today. I was drawn back to 1 Samuel 23 for some strange reason and read more clearly verses that did not stand out earlier this morning. "David asked the Lord, 'Should I go...?' "Yes, go..." the Lord told him. But David's men said, 'We're afraid here in Judah. We certainly don't want to go to Keilah to fight...' So David asked the Lord again, and again the Lord replied, 'Go... for I will help you...' " (vv.2-4) Reading that with fresh eyes, understanding my fear is what keeps me from choosing His destiny for me, I hear Him say, "Cara, you come to me asking me to lead and guide you. I have given you very specific direction, but you choose not to participate out of fear that your lie may be true. I've answered you and said to go. You are like David's men, afraid even at home. Why do you think you will not be afraid if I call you out of your comfort zone? Be faithful in the small steps. 'To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given and they will have and abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.' (Matthew 25:29) Use the truth, power and understanding I have given you and you will be given more, my dear! Live all my plans for you. I am answering you again, 'Go... for I will help you...' "
No matter what He's calling us to, we can choose to participate in His destiny for us bravely, courageously. For we have been chosen by Him for His purposes and He will help us!
