I have been absent from this place for a few days. I would like to tell you it is because I was spending so much time in the Word that I didn't have time to get back here. I'd like to say that life has just been crazy busy. I'd like to say anything, but what I'm about to write. But, write I must in order to remain true the calling behind this blog, a calling not of my own desire, but given by God.
I have been absent because, in my time with Him this week, I have not felt those moments to be worthy of writing here. Unknowingly, I have come to love this place. Writing just the right words to express myself and my time with Him has become my satisfaction. I find myself reading and rereading and rereading my posts, so proud of each word published by my hand. (Are you becoming as sick of me as I am?)
How could I not have seen such pride growing within? Yet today, I began first with some time with Him asking desperately for His forgiveness. I quote from my journal, "After reflecting over previous entries from this week, I ask for Your forgiveness. I have continued here in these journal pages because that's where you meet me; it is the essence of our relationship. All-the-while, doing it to attain something good to carry into my blog. Not really feeling this week's writing was blog worthy, I began to not love these pages as much as I love the writing in my blog. Oh, forgive my pride. Do not allow that blog to become my god! May the blog only be an extension of these pages not an avenue for me to worship myself more. May I write because you are calling me, not to impress or acquire human approval. Writing there is obedience to Your call and therefore it matters not what anyone thinks, bad or good. All is well with my soul because I have obeyed."
Knowing He would meet me at this same spot in His word, I turned to Numbers 17 &18. There in chapter 18 verse 20 I read, "And the Lord said... 'I am your share and your allotment.'" I will quote what I believe God spoke to my desperate soul in that short sentence. "My dear one, it is because of Me that you are even writing. Without me there would be nothing for you to pen. Because this is my doing, I have given you both the ability & desire, I am all you need. 'I am your share and you allotment.' I am your satisfaction. It is knowing Me more that draws you to write because there I reveal myself to you. Know me. 'I am your share and your allotment.' I am all you need. "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." (Jeremiah 29:13) You will find life... your life & the specific tasks I am drawing you to. I love you, my dear. I love you!"
For His purposes, not my own...
