I've recently been struggling to keep my spirits out of the dump. That's no explanation as to my absence here because I've had several things I've wanted to post. But, when I find myself in this place of BLAH, I am unmotivated to even do the things I love.
My negative emotional state has caused me to examine and re-examine just who I'm believing. Have you ever been told not to pray for patience? My most recent Bible study, Believing God by Beth Moore, has had similar repercussions. Beth challenges the student to believe 1) God is who He says He is. 2) God can do what He says He can do. 3) I am who God says I am. 4) I can do all things through Christ. 5) God's word is alive and active in me. Let me just say that after 3 weeks, God is still working in me to get me to believe with everything I am that He truly is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do.
When I began my first week of homework, I prayed, "I want to learn from this study, but it just seems like wrote learning. Make it mean something. Grow it inside me and use it to transform me." And did He ever answer! Just like a prayer for patience, He's begun to test me. Testing to see just what do I believe. Here I am in a place where I typically struggle to hear God's voice over the shouts of the enemy. A place where my feelings are the opposite of His Truth to me. A place reminescent of defeat. A place I call depression.
I continue to seek God and repeat His Word to myself in this time, in this place, but it is difficult to really believe. Verses that stuck in my head seemed to be speaking the opposite of what I was experiencing. Part of me could identify with Abraham who "at about 100 years of age... figured his body was as good as dead - and so was Sarah's womb" yet, God had told him, "I will make you the father of many nations." (Romans 4:19, 17) It was the same for me. My current life circumstances were quite contrary to His Truth. I read in Hosea 6: 1-3, "Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds. In just a short time he will restore us, so that we may live in his presence. Oh that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring." After reading this passage, as I was readying myself one morning, I heard Him say, "I will heal you! Do you believe that I can?" I wanted to believe He was going to heal me of this depression, that He meant it to be a permanent healing, but thought more practically and reasoned that my feelings, opposite of this Truth, were much more believable.
I continued to combat this yuckiness while God continued asking, "Do you believe that I can heal you?" I wanted to believe He could, but the bondage depression kept my mind and emotional state in seemed much more real.
Continuing to participate in the only thing that I knew could save me from myself, I stayed in the Word. I began Romans and came to chapter 4 verse 17, "...Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life..." I was trudging through merely practicing ritual, but knew something about this verse hit deep within me. I sensed God was asking me to believe that if He could bring the dead back to life He could therefore easily heal me of this depression. Well, I believe He can raise the dead. Just look at Jesus... and even Lazarus, and numerous other people throughout the Bible. So, what was He getting at?
Carrying around this unfinished work of His inside me for days, I muddled through. Easter Sunday arrived and I spent the sunrise with Him, alone. I read in Romans 4 again and noticed verse 18, "For God had said to him..." Abraham did not have the Scriptures to consult to confirm his belief. He was experiencing (his old age) the opposite of what God was promising, yet he believed because God had said it to him. God had told me that He would heal me of this yucky state and I prayed, "Oh how I want to believe just because you speak it to me. 'I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief.' (Mark 9:24) I want faith like Abraham..."
At church that same Easter day, we sang a revved up version of Jesus Paid It All by Kristian Stanfill. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onxhvivQYfI) I was just going with the flow singing an old hymn I hadn't sung in a while when the band kicked it up a notch and the words sounded similar to Romans 4:17. We sang, "Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead." I began to sob uncontrollably because it was then I heard what He was trying to say. "Cara, I have given you 'new life in Christ.' But, this all sticks with you because I raise the dead, literally. I raised you from the dead that lonesome night so long ago. It was my power alone that raised your dead life that night. Believe me! Believe my words to you! Believe my power to do what I promise! 'Be fully persuaded that what [I] promise, [I] am able also to perform. (Romans 4:21 KJV)... Believe me!"
You see, at the age of 13 or 14, I spent a dreary night in what seemed like an endless depressive state and took every Tylenol, Nuprin, Motrin in our house until I gagged because I could swallow no more. I went to bed telling no one. Because of newly discovered facts due to a family member's recent suicide attempt, I now know that medically, I should have died from liver and other organ failure. But, instead He rid me of everything I had taken. He was the only One who knew and He saved me from dying that lonely night.
You see, I saw my survival as yet another thing I was not good enough at. I couldn't even kill myself. I lived after that attempt believing that my body simply rejected all I had ingested just as my dog's body does when she eats too many socks. I did not realize He performed a miracle in my life until April 12, 2009.
Healing of my depression did not occur in the miraculous revelation of that moment, but do I know He will do it? Listen to Him tell you, "Now Cara, share this! 'Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His faithful love endures forever. Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.' (Psalm 107:1-2) Now this depressive state will no longer have it's hold on you. Now confess this unbelief to others... 'Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.' (James 5:16)"
Believe Him? You bet I do! Know that He has given me grace to share because we have argued over Him telling me to write this for a few weeks. But, sharing my weaknesses, faults, trials, mistakes, sins, is what will bring me healing. Obedience to His voice and believing Him is a life lived in freedom and abundance.
The miraculous has not been wasted on me!! His purposes for denying my cries that night are far greater than I could have ever imagined. Glory to His name! Amen and Amen!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mercy
Do you have people in your life that hurt and disappoint you? Have you ever been angry because someone has hurt you by making a decision without any regard for others? I'm there!! What to do with all that swirls within as a result... so I went to God, the only place I could be totally honest and at the same time expect the Truth in return.
In my anger, literal screaming in my head, He asked me, "Where is your hope? Who do you look to with expectation, for fulfillment or satisfaction?" After years of miraculous transformation in me by Him, I could answer, "You. You are enough. You are all... 'And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.' (Psalm 39:7) But, now what, God? What do I do with the pain, heartache, hurt?"
God's sweet reply was, "If Christianity's purpose is for Me to reconcile the world back to Me through those whom I choose to express my glory and mercy through, then can I not use you in this situation?" What?! MERCY!! You want me to extend mercy to this person? But, they don't deserve it! To which He says, "Neither do you, my dear."
As our conversation lulled, I began remembering some verses in Romans 9 that had been, when first read, confusing. "God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen... He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory." (vv. 18,23) He then clarified, "Yes, my dear, I have hardened this person's heart so that my glory can shine even brighter through you whom I have chosen. When you allow the power of the Spirit control in this situation and show mercy, My glory will shine even brighter in you. You will magnify my glory to others because it will not be you doing the work. It will be Me in You working. You cannot show mercy apart from Me. Others will see Me because they will know you alone cannot be reacting with mercy in this situation."
In my desire for deeper understanding, I read the KJV of these two verses and searched the dictionary for the meaning of mercy. I found that the KJV translated "those to whom he shows mercy" into "vessels of mercy." So, it is not that I am better, I have just been chosen as a vessel for carrying His mercy to others. Well, just what does this churchy word, mercy, mean? Webster's Dictionary says, "A compassion or forbearance (refraining from the enforcement of something) shown especially to an offender. A blessing that is an act of divine favor. Mercy implies compassion that forbears punishing even when justice demands it." Wow!! I have been offened and yet God has chosen me as His vessel for refraining from punishing this person. Instead, God wants to shower a blessing of Divine favor on them through me.
But, I don't want to... How can I do this?
"And so dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give you bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him." (Romans 12:1) I must sacrifice what my flesh desires in this situation - punishing this person for hurting and disappointing me. My living, my actions to this person, should be a sacrifice of what I really want to do.
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Isn't this at the heart of my hurt and anger? O, Lord, that I may become a new person more like your Son. Continue to alter my thinking. May I become a willing vessel of Your mercy. Through surrending to Your power at work within, produce in me the characteristics of the fruit of Your Spirit, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22)
Thank you for this circumstance. Although painful, you have used it to grow me. As my momma used to say, "Those are just growing pains." When the pains from growth disappear, we are forever changed. I am forever grateful You did not allow me to waver in bitterness for long. You used this willing heart to render glory to Your name. "For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory." (Romans 11:36)
In my anger, literal screaming in my head, He asked me, "Where is your hope? Who do you look to with expectation, for fulfillment or satisfaction?" After years of miraculous transformation in me by Him, I could answer, "You. You are enough. You are all... 'And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.' (Psalm 39:7) But, now what, God? What do I do with the pain, heartache, hurt?"
God's sweet reply was, "If Christianity's purpose is for Me to reconcile the world back to Me through those whom I choose to express my glory and mercy through, then can I not use you in this situation?" What?! MERCY!! You want me to extend mercy to this person? But, they don't deserve it! To which He says, "Neither do you, my dear."
As our conversation lulled, I began remembering some verses in Romans 9 that had been, when first read, confusing. "God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen... He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory." (vv. 18,23) He then clarified, "Yes, my dear, I have hardened this person's heart so that my glory can shine even brighter through you whom I have chosen. When you allow the power of the Spirit control in this situation and show mercy, My glory will shine even brighter in you. You will magnify my glory to others because it will not be you doing the work. It will be Me in You working. You cannot show mercy apart from Me. Others will see Me because they will know you alone cannot be reacting with mercy in this situation."
In my desire for deeper understanding, I read the KJV of these two verses and searched the dictionary for the meaning of mercy. I found that the KJV translated "those to whom he shows mercy" into "vessels of mercy." So, it is not that I am better, I have just been chosen as a vessel for carrying His mercy to others. Well, just what does this churchy word, mercy, mean? Webster's Dictionary says, "A compassion or forbearance (refraining from the enforcement of something) shown especially to an offender. A blessing that is an act of divine favor. Mercy implies compassion that forbears punishing even when justice demands it." Wow!! I have been offened and yet God has chosen me as His vessel for refraining from punishing this person. Instead, God wants to shower a blessing of Divine favor on them through me.
But, I don't want to... How can I do this?
"And so dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give you bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him." (Romans 12:1) I must sacrifice what my flesh desires in this situation - punishing this person for hurting and disappointing me. My living, my actions to this person, should be a sacrifice of what I really want to do.
"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Isn't this at the heart of my hurt and anger? O, Lord, that I may become a new person more like your Son. Continue to alter my thinking. May I become a willing vessel of Your mercy. Through surrending to Your power at work within, produce in me the characteristics of the fruit of Your Spirit, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22)
Thank you for this circumstance. Although painful, you have used it to grow me. As my momma used to say, "Those are just growing pains." When the pains from growth disappear, we are forever changed. I am forever grateful You did not allow me to waver in bitterness for long. You used this willing heart to render glory to Your name. "For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory." (Romans 11:36)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Celebrate Rest
I love to know God, to feel Him boldly at work within me. I crave his powerful presence moving me, changing me, growing me. Yet, it will not always be so. I have reached this place recently. In the beginning of my intimate journey with God, my mind perceived He was silent during these times. Though, as I came down from my most recent mountain, I knew from a deep place within that this was different. I found the need to remind myself of His presence even though I didn’t feel it. “I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety…You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.” (Psalm 16:8,9,11) I needed to believe Him, trust Him, rest in my faith. I believe the truth of these verses and would often repeat them out loud to Him (Psalm 116: 10) helping to put my confidence in the reality of His Word.
The more I believed Psalm 16:8,9, & 11, the more I sensed Him wanting to teach me in this place as well. I firmly believe God calls us to praise Him for an outcome that is yet to be out of pure belief that He WILL bring it to be. Although I was not overwhelmed by His current presence, I was being drawn to celebrate Him in me. I lived my days continuing to believe our relationship was good. It was not that God was silent at this time, just quiet, reserved, comfortable. I prayed, “Teach me to relish in the resting of these moments…”
At the moment of that prayer, I was reminded of the end of Esther. The Jews in Susa celebrated a day of rest from their enemies. God had been bold to save them from sudden death, and they celebrated the rest He gave them. I remembered all the recent instances where God was showing me all the many blessings He had poured out on me in this recent move. I was a far cry from my arrival here just over a year ago. Although life here began much like Paul’s description in 2 Corinthians 7:5 “When we arrived in Macedonia, there was no rest for us. We faced conflict from every direction, with battles on the outside and fear on the inside.” Life now was lived in the joy and fulfillment of verse 6, “But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us…” In awe of His favor, I felt the need to celebrate it all. At the same time, I was overcome by a sense that He had brought me to a place of rest. It was the same for me as for the Jews in Susa. God had rescued me from a life lived in defeat and mediocrity (spiritual death), poured out His abundant goodness on me, and I was drawn to celebrate His provision of rest.
Remembering a verse from Hebrews, I went to read it. “So we see that because of their unbelief they were not able to enter his rest.” (3:19) My rest had come because I refused to harbor unbelief. I rejected the lies of my enemy that God had abandoned me in this recent stillness and instead believed the Truth written in Psalm 16: 8, 9 & 11. “For only we who believe can enter his rest.” (Hebrews 4:3)
What are we to believe? The Truth found in His Word. In the words of the band Casting Crowns, “I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth Your Word reveals.” Even though I could not feel His bold presence, I believed the Truth that “he [was] right beside me.” There is a precious hymn I remember singing as a child that says it best, “Standing on the promises that cannot fail, when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, by the living Word of God I shall prevail, standing on the promises of God. Standing, standing, standing on the promises of Christ my Savior; standing, standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.” (verse 2 from Standing on the Promises)
Live believing… so that others may see Christ and also find rest in Him. “Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere, like a sweet perfume. Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God.” (2 Corinthians 2:14-15) He desires my living to celebrate this rest and leave behind a fragrance as sweet as Christ’s sacrifice.
The more I believed Psalm 16:8,9, & 11, the more I sensed Him wanting to teach me in this place as well. I firmly believe God calls us to praise Him for an outcome that is yet to be out of pure belief that He WILL bring it to be. Although I was not overwhelmed by His current presence, I was being drawn to celebrate Him in me. I lived my days continuing to believe our relationship was good. It was not that God was silent at this time, just quiet, reserved, comfortable. I prayed, “Teach me to relish in the resting of these moments…”
At the moment of that prayer, I was reminded of the end of Esther. The Jews in Susa celebrated a day of rest from their enemies. God had been bold to save them from sudden death, and they celebrated the rest He gave them. I remembered all the recent instances where God was showing me all the many blessings He had poured out on me in this recent move. I was a far cry from my arrival here just over a year ago. Although life here began much like Paul’s description in 2 Corinthians 7:5 “When we arrived in Macedonia, there was no rest for us. We faced conflict from every direction, with battles on the outside and fear on the inside.” Life now was lived in the joy and fulfillment of verse 6, “But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us…” In awe of His favor, I felt the need to celebrate it all. At the same time, I was overcome by a sense that He had brought me to a place of rest. It was the same for me as for the Jews in Susa. God had rescued me from a life lived in defeat and mediocrity (spiritual death), poured out His abundant goodness on me, and I was drawn to celebrate His provision of rest.
Remembering a verse from Hebrews, I went to read it. “So we see that because of their unbelief they were not able to enter his rest.” (3:19) My rest had come because I refused to harbor unbelief. I rejected the lies of my enemy that God had abandoned me in this recent stillness and instead believed the Truth written in Psalm 16: 8, 9 & 11. “For only we who believe can enter his rest.” (Hebrews 4:3)
What are we to believe? The Truth found in His Word. In the words of the band Casting Crowns, “I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth Your Word reveals.” Even though I could not feel His bold presence, I believed the Truth that “he [was] right beside me.” There is a precious hymn I remember singing as a child that says it best, “Standing on the promises that cannot fail, when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, by the living Word of God I shall prevail, standing on the promises of God. Standing, standing, standing on the promises of Christ my Savior; standing, standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.” (verse 2 from Standing on the Promises)
Live believing… so that others may see Christ and also find rest in Him. “Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere, like a sweet perfume. Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God.” (2 Corinthians 2:14-15) He desires my living to celebrate this rest and leave behind a fragrance as sweet as Christ’s sacrifice.
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